When it comes to black women and love, we’re always hearing about how scarce our options are. We don’t have many black men to choose from, and according to the statistics, most of us will never get married, and let alone become mothers. Since the numbers clearly aren’t on our side, we’ve been encouraged by some of our girlfriends that white men are our only shot at happily ever after. Sisters everywhere are considering forsaking brothers all together for white knights in shining armor, just to say that the statistics don’t represent them, and the numbers paint a bleak picture, that only includes sisters who didn’t get the memo on interracial bliss.
While I’m all for “get love where you can,” and “love who loves you back”; I can’t say that I myself have jumped on board to White Men Avenue. I’m just trying to get to Good Man Paradise, and I’d imagine a whole damn land full of good men in all shades and ethnicities. But that’s just me.
Throughout this whole dating thing, I’ve realized that while most of us are color obsessed, and chasing ballers with nice suits and fast cars; we’ve forgotten about what love is really all about. How silly of us to place a height restriction on good men, as well set an ideal income to something that won’t cost more than your time; and how immature of us, to look for love in places that doesn’t encourage anything more than lustful ambiance. We’ll shake our asses in the club, but love ain’t even in the building. Yet, the club is where you will find many single black women hoping to find something real.
Love is not a rare gem, but instead, a treasure that can only be discovered for those down for the hunt. It isn’t owed to the pretty women, nor is it guaranteed by the pretty men. It requires so much work from all involved, but most of us walk away when work is required.
Curious to why some black women find love and others do not, I pondered on the concept of standards. Momma always told us to keep our standards high and damn near impossible to reach, that way the pissy little boys would go running, and go after someone else’s panties. That was great advice Momma, but what’s a woman to do when she’s in her mid 20s and dating a career, instead of a man?
Should we lower our standards, or should we forsake some of our wants in order to get all of the necessities? Here’s what the married black women want the single black women to know:
1. The More Casual Sex You Have, The Longer It Will Take You To Find Love
Sex is loved by both men and women. But the taken ladies were very clear that a woman who’s having a little too much fun could come off less desirable in comparison to a woman who’s more reserved. To be frank, bed hopping only works for the playboys. While it looks cool and manly for a man to chase the panties, it’s just slutty for a woman to chase the drawers. Now you’ll say that it’s 2010 and times have changed, but the truth is, men still believe women should have a low number of sexual partners. The less men you’ve slept with, the more wifeable you are. Is it fair? No, it damn sure isn’t, but men have been taught that a real lady can control her sexual urges, and won’t have a reputation that would even make him blush.
Besides, in the midst of your casual episodes, you could run into a good man who could be turned off by your umm…easiness. Hey, it happens. Men are hunters by nature, let them chase. According to these ladies, it will pay off big.
2. Trade In The List for the Essentials
You know that gigantic list you have of what you just have to have in a man? Trash it!
According to these sisters, you only need to be concerned with your needs. And we all know that you don’t need that man to be 6’4. But you do need him to be respectful, honest, and giving.
The physical is nice, but it isn’t needed. Maybe a drop dead gorgeous man isn’t necessary to a life of love and bliss. If you meet a man who has everything you need, but lacks a few physical demands, I wouldn’t pass him up for the guy who meets all your physical demands, but doesn’t meet any of your needs. The physical is temporary, how he treats you is forever.
A lot of women miss out on a good thing because it didn’t look the way they imagined.
3. It’s Not Always Love At First Sight
My parents have known each other since they were teenagers, but my mother wasn’t instantly head over heels when meeting my father for the first time. There were no violins playing when he spoke to her, and nor was she finding it hard to think of the right words to say. “He was a nice guy,” my mother would say, but she was more focused on school than boys.
While it wasn’t immediately a fairy tale, they formed a friendship that has lasted over 40 years. They married in their 20s, and I’d have to say that real life can be better than those fairy tales we used to read about.
Take it from my parents, it’s best to establish a solid friendship first, and fall in love later while you’re able to think with your brain and not your genitalia.
4. Become the Woman You Want to Be Before You Look for Love
Relationships work better when they are treated as partnerships. So that means both people should bring something to the table, and you can’t bring anything to the table if you don’t take the time to work on yourself. While a great education, solid career, and spiritual foundation is always great; it’s also important that you learn to love yourself as is, and deal with any issues that are keeping you from becoming an amazing woman. Solitude provides the best clarity, so don’t look at the single life as punishment, but instead a great time to handle business so you can be that woman who’s easy to fall in love with.
5. Don’t Look For Love in Places That Don’t Encourage Love
Single women tend to look for love in all the wrong places. We’ll put on our best dresses to go to nightclubs filled with men who only want to screw us. We’ll grab drinks at the bars and chat it up with guys who only want to screw us. And we’ll let our delusional girlfriends set us up with guys who…only want to screw us. Why do we do this?
It’s better for women to only expect something serious from a place that requires a man to be himself, and approach you like he has some sense. Great conversation is the best start to something that could be long term. But just because a guy buys you drinks all night, it doesn’t mean he can provide you with anything more than alcohol. You don’t have to give up the club scene, but don’t go there expecting to find Prince Charming. Most men only club to find women to take home for a night of fun, not long term relationships. Don’t play yourself.
6. Above It All, Always Respect Yourself, And Never Allow Anyone to Disrespect You
This is the Golden Rule. There will be many moments when you will question if you’re being a little too difficult or rather you’re leaving a relationship earlier than you should; but always remember that no good man would be okay with treating you like garbage. Know your value, and never spend too much time with someone who clearly doesn’t.
A relationship takes work, and how can you work with someone who doesn’t even respect you?
It’s always enlightening to speak to women who have held on to love for decades while you preserve your single fabulousness. I learn a lot from women who are married, and it gives me a fresh perspective on just what I should be looking for in a spouse. While I only shared a few key points that they felt single women needed to know in their search for love, always use your gut when dealing with men. If it doesn’t feel right, nine times out of ten, it isn’t.
OMG I loved this…sharing it with my single girlfriends. Thank you.
I just bookmarked this! This was great advice from married women.
really good advice, especially about knowing your value. if a man doesnt respect u then how is he going to love u the way u ought to be loved?