Demetrius and RaAnne outline their marital troubles.
The episode begins in Atlanta with the couple RaAnne and Demetrius coming to meet Iyanla. Demetrius and RaAnne have a lot of issues in their 14-year marriage.
Demetrius says their marriage soured once he went off to prison. He went to prison for two years a year after their marriage.
On New Year’s Eve 2008, RaAnne got drunk and passed out and he cussed her out and called RaAnne out of her name. Iyanla points out that the specific incident still hurts her. Things snowballed into another incident where he choked her. This incident began after she was drinking.
Iyanla asks Demetrius if her drinking bothered him and he said yes.
“A wife and a mother that drinks till she passes out has something going on.” – Iyanla
Iyanla also points out that Demetrius has some underlying issues. Another thing they don’t like is how RaAnne “wears the pants in their marriage.” RaAnne believes the man should be in charge of the house while the woman is submissive. However, his prison sentence required her to become responsible financially for their household.
The couple begins to learn how to have Demetrius in control.
So Iyanla has them complete an exercise to help Demetrius take charge. First they blindfold Demetrius and have RaAnne lead him through an obstacle course in the home. Iyanla wants to use this exercise to begin rebuilding their communication skills. During this exercise, Demetrius struggles to follow RaAnne’s directions.
Next, RaAnne’s blindfolded and emeritus leads RaAnne to make a sandwich. They find it difficult to complete this exercise but they succeed in making the sandwich. Demetrius says he felt like he was controlling during the exercise and Iyanla points out that there are times where the other spouse is “blind” at different points of the relationship.
Despite that, Iyanla says their friendship got them through those times when one or the other was blind.
After they completed these exercises, Iyanla takes RaAnne for a one on one session.
Iyanla learns RaAnne’s drinking stems from childhood abuse.
RaAnne says it felt good to give up control to Demetrius. During their conversation, It’s revealed Both Demetrius and RaAnne contemplated divorce.
This is because of the abuse she suffered. In fact, RaAnne begins to cry when she says their domestic violence reminds her when she was abused as a child.
The name of the family member that abused RaAnne was blurred out. This conversation brought RaAnne to tears as she revealed she was 12 when the abuse occurred. Iyanla consoles RaAnne as she cries.
Demetrius also suffered from childhood trauma.
Next, Iyanla sits with Demetrius to talk about how the abuse RaAnne suffered as a child is similar to how he treats her. She scolds Demetrius for his behavior telling him to stop.
Interestingly enough, Demetrius revealed his mom abandoned him when she was younger.
“A man becomes what his mom does to him.” – Iyanla
Iyanla openly contemplates if his abuse of RaAnne is really directed towards his mom. Interestingly, the threats of divorce are empty ones according to Demetrius and Iyanla calls that a, “b**** move.”
“Man up! A man needs to be clean, firm and responsible.” – Iyanla
Overall, Iyanla wants the couple to acknowledge each other’s past trauma and use it to influence their empathy towards one another.
Demetrius and RaAnne begin to tie things together.
So she brings them together and things go off well when Demetrius apologizes for his treatment of RaAnne.
RaAnne apologizes for drinking those times he got mad at her for drinking and she tells him why she drinks, wanting her pain from the past to go away.
Things get tense when Demetrius claims she interferes with his discipline of their son and it’s negatively influencing their sons’ behavior. Iyanla asks why he hasn’t “yoked” (grabbed by the collar) their son yet.
“I’m afraid if I yoke our son, she’ll yoke me.” – Demetrius
At this point, Iyanla tells them that she needs to get out of the way of the discipline.
The next day, Iyanla meets with RaAnne is upset as she’s facing her past trauma. Iyanla tells her that she has to allow herself to face the trauma and forgive her younger self for not stopping it.
Iyanla tells her how the abuse began when she was age five. RaAnne cries as she goes into more detail of the abuse. Iyanla notes that this abuse is the main reason why she has trouble giving Demetrius a chance to lead.
Next, Iyanla meets with Demetrius do dig deeper into his mother abandoning him.
His story cause Demetrius to shed a few tears with his back facing the camera. Next, Iyanla tells him that this isn’t jail and he doesn’t have to have his guard up, and it’s okay to ask for help.
“You need to heal the little boy so he can go into a man. The little boy is running your life.” – Iyanla
Demetrius accepts what she’s saying.
To end their time together, Iyanla treats the couple to breakfast and a chance to summarize their session together. Before they go, Iyanla present’s a diagram that represents Demetrius and RaAnne uniting in their marriage. It’s a gift for the couple to review when they get home.
After the show, Demetrius and RaAnne say they haven’t argued and their communication has improved.
What are your thoughts on the episode?