Separated But Not Divorced: Should You Date Men Who Are Still Married?

Dating A Man Who Is Separated From His Wife Could Be Risky

By: Taren Vaughan

Marriages are supposed to be very sacred unions between two individuals that have an unconditional love for each other. Unfortunately, some married couples get to the point where they no longer desire to be together. Not being together can mean one of two things. Either the couple is officially divorced or they are separated from each other. Before they resort to getting a divorce, some people simply decide to separate from their spouses first. Many would argue that dating a man who is separated from their spouse is an acceptable thing to do. If a man does not live with his wife anymore, is it fine to claim him as your own?

Yes, you may be able to claim him as far as a relationship goes. But legally, he holds no true obligation to you. He is still obligated to his wife. And if something happens to him, who do you think will receive all of the financial benefits and personal belongings that are in his name? Not you of course. By law, his wife and possibly other family members would get everything. Girlfriends don’t have those kinds of privileges.

Your relationship with a separated but married man can be even more difficult to manage when there are children involved. If a man has kids with his wife, they will have to have some form of communication with each other for their children’s sake. Remember, they separated from their wife, not their children too. Take the time to really think about this for a moment. What if you just so happen to be dating a married but separated man who has absolutely no intentions of divorcing his wife? Where does that leave you? Will you forever be known as the girlfriend and nothing more? If you can handle a situation like this, my props go out to you.

Myself personally, I know it would be extremely hard for me to be with a man who I knew still had a wife. In the back of my mind, I would never feel like his number one. Dating a man that is separated from his wife just seems to be too risky. In any relationship, a woman runs the chance of becoming very emotionally attached which can sometimes lead to hurt feelings. But dating a man that is not yet divorced from his wife is potentially setting yourself up for a heart break and a boat load of drama. And no one, I mean NO ONE, is worth all that.

Despite the risks associated with dating married but separated men, there are plenty of women out there who do it. I am not knocking women who do this because there are situations like this that are indeed drama free. But you have to keep in mind that you are the girlfriend and not the wife. A spousal separation is not the same as an official divorce so don’t get it twisted. He could up and leave you one day and decide to try to make it work with his wife. On the flip side of things, he could decide to stay with you, play like Usher and finally sign those papers. But until he does this, sorry to break the bad news to you but he is legally someone else’s man.


  1. i am in the exact situation right now. my boyfriend (can i even call him that?) have been separated with his wife for 7 years now. he has also been away from his wife and kids for 10 years now as he needs to work overseas. he goes back and see his kids 2-3 times a year (thats what he told me). we've been going out for about 6 months now, and i would be lying to say that iv not developed any emotional feelings towards him. i have been divorced for 7 months now. he has been nothing but sweet to me. there were 3 instances where i basically wanted to runaway from this complicated situation but he kept coming back. im not so sure how to hanlde this. there are also other obstacles that im facing right now – he's only physically here for 2 years and needs to go back to his country, the different religion (which means he needs to convert in my country). but above all, we enjoyed each others company, and i have fallen for him. help.

    1. A man not legally separated is not available. Any guy who’s been separated for years (and is still not legally separated or divorcing) will NEVER be available.

      A Mr. Unavailable can’t commit to being with you, can’t commit to not being with you, and can’t commit to an outcome.

      Getting hurt is the only thing you can really count on under these circumstances because…

      You’re an “option”.

      1. On the flip side of all of this…..I am the wife whose husband of 27 years simply disappeared without as much as a word to me beforehand. He had been having an affair with a woman he met in a porn chat room on the internet. She pushed and pushed him to leave home and come live with her which he did. It lasted 18 months. We were never legally separated. One month before going to court on the divorce my husband took his life. The hell that woman put me and my family through was unthinkable. She was so ignorant that she thought she and her family belonged at his funeral services and tried to take command and control at the funeral parlor. The funeral director finally asked her and her family to leave or he would have to call the police. The police did have to come, they were told to leave and escorted back to the thruway and told to leave my family alone to grieve. She lives 100 miles from here. She has kept all of my husband’s personal belongings as well as things that belonged to me that he took with him the day he disappeared. Any woman who is low enough to be with a married man gets what she deserves. Obviously my husband was not happy with her and did not know what to do about the situation. He was a very conflicted man. I will always love him and love knowing that he was still mine when he died.

        1. Hmm I’m sorry for your loss n what u went thew my husband left me n 3 kids 3 years ago n I made mistakes but I’m still legally married to him n don’t no what to do its so confusing n hard

      2. You are soo right my husband just left in July of 2014 he is dateing another I told him shame on her and him for cheating, he keeps telling me we are getting a separation so its alright I told him no it’s not she is a mistress you are still married

    2. I’m sorry when you date a legal separated man both of you guys are cheating so everything that happens is happening for a reason, when you lower yourself into dateing a married man be prepared for all the exrra baggage that come with the relastionship, like his wife. My thing is you dateing a married man is called cheating I don’t care how you slice it the man is still married. shame on you.Why don’t you wait till he is divorced, trust me you’ll feel more honorable

    3. I see things differently. I think if a man is separated, but divorce is in process, it is perfectly okay to take the risk if you meet someone who you think is compatible. Just because a man is separated does NOT mean he is still married. On paper, yes, but if you aren’t married to a person’s soul, you aren’t married. Marriage is a title on paper, it isn’t some sacred union, it’s a man made institution and saying it’s “sacred” is a crock of bologna. There are those who are against dating a man who is divorced because of his baggage, so where does it stop? He’s labeled no matter what he does.
      It’s all about where a man’s heart is committed, not what is on a piece of paper.
      I’m in a long term relationship with a man who was separated when we met. We live together. Neither of us really wants to get married again, both of us divorced. But we love our life together and are both very committed to each other.
      Everyone has their own experience. No relationship can be generalized, so go for it and take the risk.

      1. Yeah @cali i think ur right….i can relate on ur comments too but the differ is im single woman but in a relationship with a separated man. He told me his just married on a piece of paper only. Its only a paper he says. Weve been in a relationship for 1 and half year and still counting. His separated from his wife for 3 years and got 2 kids. He told me and to my parents too that this december 2015 is theirs divorced plan but im not so sure if his ex wife gonna sign the papers but based on him they already talk about getting divorce and his ex wife agreed to him sayin ok. but for other info at first i dont know that his separated he lied to me and i just know it when i saw the pictures of them havibg vacation in boracay for 3 days and we talked about this if its true if ita true of all what i see…and he say yes but its only for children not anymore for his ex wife and he told me he really miss me and thinking of me whike his with them. I hope so*** and he told me also he already tried to go back to his ex wife but it doesnt work out, now I only have question hope u can help me too….doest it possibe they can still get together been separated for 3 years even his telling me no he dont like her anymore he love her anymore and he does not want to be with her anymore as her husband. And do u think his telling the truth that this december will be held their divorcement.??? Thanks alot

    4. Hi, can I ask you how this has turned out for you? You see, I have been involved with a man for over three years, who is separated from his wife (she lives in Germany with their three children) and yet he has delayed proceeding with a divorce. I feel I have reached a point where I can no longer accept this situation and that I am finally ready to let go…

      1. Hi after one failed marriage and another bad one I have finally accepted I don’t need a man to complet me ,I complete myself. I just met a guy who is not legally divorced but divorce has been filed ! I shut my door immediately ! If it is meant to
        Be and I meet a nice divorced man than I ll just date with no intentions of marrying him. Until then I am truly happy with my single life.

    5. I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years now. From these long 7 years, he was separated three and the rest divorced. Took him three years to get divorced and I waited. Finally, he is legally “free” and talks about re-doing his life with me. I just found out days ago that it will take longer to start a “real free relationship” because no one in his family (besides ex-wife and kids, obviously) knew he was separated or divorced!!!???? he told them 5 months ago and now I have to keep waiting because – using his words – “it won’t sound right to say that I’m remarrying” when I just told them I just got divorced. IM OUT OF HERE! I want a man, someone who can confront his reality and put me first. oh! and by the way… he is 48 years old! – he is not a kid! that makes it even worse. Common man! mature! LADIES: If the man can’t be there and put you first… LEAVE. Don’t wait like I’ve been doing. Its not worth it.

      1. Very true. I had a friend who waited since she believed him
        When he said he seperated snd will file for divorce .she waited and waited only for him to accept his wife back and my friend was left to fend for herself . Few months later he Contacted my friend and told her his marriage wasn’t working and is finally considering divorce But this time my friend said she was no
        Longer interested in him !” And it was all over !

    6. He was only yours by paper. He slept with the other woman. YOU DID NOT HAVE THE PRIZE, NOR DID YOU WIN. SOrry

  2. I am in a similar situation. Correction. I WAS in a similar situation. With a man who I genuinely love and knew he was married but have been separated for over 23 years. They are now pushing to sign the papers to make it official but everytime that comes near the wife goes insane and manipulates him. They have a lot of assets together and dividing that is very difficult. He wants to be with me but the wife goes insane and manipulates him and makes him feel guilty. It's always up and down with him. Very difficult as we use to live together. I've had enough it hurts incredibly but I moved out quickly and ended it. It's the most difficult thing I have done but I have to think long term it's going to be better and I deserve better. Not going to settle. And just like the article said "And no one, I mean NO ONE, is worth all that."

    1. “The wife goes insane and manipulates him,” said EVERY married man’s girlfriend EVER. Do they teach a class somewhere sell you this crap? The WIFE is ALWAYS CRAZY and HER husband gets to play the role of victiim, so you can play the role of therapist? You make him whole again? He needs you? I am sure all of this is true to some degree. I am not trying to slam you, but the reality is he is SOMEONE ONE ELSE’s HUSBAND. You are pretty much the cake and the fork. You realize that is a position you put yourself into? I am guessing his wife did not invite you into her marriage and and tell you to make yourself at home. Now THAT’s a touch of crazy that should have sent any clear thinking woman running screaming. There is a strain of crazy causes some to actually enjoy to drama up close and personal. Kind of like adding fuel to the fire. Divorce is very similar to fire in that they start small and seem to be containable at first. Or at least until the gasoline invited itself to the party. Did you bring matches too? A SANE PERSON’s first instinct would be to do SOMETHING to help. At least call 911 and give them a chance to rebuild together or apart, but without you your special little touch. Divorce can make that little touch of “crazy” in us all come out. Not for fun, but as humans we are hard wired to guide and protect our tribe and by our rules TOGETHER. Where exactly did you see yourself fitting in this picture. Clearly you have no respect in the sanctity of marriage, and there appears to be a deficit in respect of oneself. Which makes me question the manipulations of you, as the self serving cake and highly flammable fuel,

      Is there a follow up class that teaches you how to sleep at night?

      1. This is great advice my husband is with another woman but yet won’t file for divorce so what do I do wait this out or file so many things happened in the last 3 years that I can go on about but I’m so hurt n confused

      2. Sanctity of marriage ? Where is the sancittiy when the husband cheats or if he is dating when still not legally divorced one. ? It is the wife who loses her sleep not the woman he dates. Foolish of the wife to think the marriage is still sacred !

    2. Good job. Proud of you. No one needs to put themselves in a stressful situation no matter how much love compassion the “not legally divorced yet “man he is. One never knows what mischief his wife will plan . It will not only stress him
      But you too because he will be so engrossed with the divorce proceedings and it will be the only thing he will
      Talk about at home ! No single or divorced or widowed woman need that !( same goes if the situation was for a single man too )

  3. I am too dating a seperated man who is still married but is living in a diffent country from his wife he said it has been over for years thats why he has moved away but still takes care of his kids he says he wants to marryme and i believe him but in the mean time i love him but i keep my options open and he knows that and that is the chance we both take

  4. The comments above are only partial truths. The other part is that getting a divorce with children or sums of property involved can take YEARS to run its way through the courts. This is the case for men as well as women. Should they all just hang it up for 2, 3 or more years and not be allowed to move on with their lives in a healthy and happy way? That is nuts.

    If someone is separated as a trial period, fine, but if they are separated and making their way through the actual divorce, I see little reason (unless other reasons are given/obvious), to assume they will get back together. Most do not.

    1. You are probably right, he will never go back but in the meanwhile it hurts going through the divorce with the separated person, handling their anger, listening to all the good memories that he had with his ex and their children and worst of all not being introduced to his family. I feel that I took him in unconditionally, introduced him to my parents, most importantly to my children even took him into my house, gave him a place to stay and making sure that he is ok. I have never been in love like this before, he swept me off my feet… It is challenging when both are not mentally on the same place.

      At this stage, I am feeling torn.

      1. I have to say I feel so similar to how you and many others feel on here. I have a difficult situation… I have been with my partner, who is now my fiance 4 years and he has been separated from his wife for over 10 years. HE is quite a bit older than me, and his daughter is the same age as me. She hates us being together, and his wife sometimes calls him to talk about their daughter or their home that he still pays the mortgage for… but I never feel included in this part of his life or with his daughter and I too am torn, not knowing what to do for the best. We are really happy in all aspects of life- day to day is fab but I wish he would hurry up and get divorced and also try to include me more with his daughter. Love is never straight forward!

      2. This is exactly where I am right now. I have been seing a man for about 8 months now. When we started dating, he was open and honest with me that he was still married but they were separated and on their way to a divorce. They have been separated since early 2013. I know now that I have fallen for him and this is becoming the point where we both need to be invested or it’s time to cut my losses and walk away.
        The soon-to-be (or not so soon?) ex wife knows that he is seeing me, but I’m not sure how much she really knows. I haven’t met his family yet, though he has met mine. I can’t fight feeling insecure that she’s going to manipulate her way back into the picture. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me. But, in our discussions he seems to be dragging his feet on going through with the divorce. He always seems to be placating her in some way to avoid drama and a fight.

        1. I was in that exact situation for almost one year, this man had moved to my city for work and left his wife and now 18 yr old son back in his other state….at first he made all kinds of promises to me, wanted to marry me, make my daughter and me his family, all the I love yous, I’ve been waiting my whole life for you.I’m done, this is it….and he said he was taking care of things, that he would get divorced last summer…summer 2013…none of that happened and they still had not told their 18 yr old son they are separated…i couldn’t take it, it was so hard for me even though he kept saying relax, be cool, i’m working on it, he wasn’t doing anything and then he ended up buying a house here in my city after dating me almost one year…and he got the wife to sign the mortgage since he couldn’t afford it on his own….it was a nightmare for me since I had never been with anyone still legally married, it is the worst…I wish I could rewind the clock and I had never gotten started with him, he ended up being such a liar and misleading me so much…he still has not even contacted a lawyer. Do not believe these guys unless you have proof they are really in the process of making it happen, not just talking about it.

          1. You sound like me. I just ended 3 1/2 year relationship with a separated man. I love him. It was always, “yes I know its time to contact a lawyer, but I don’t want to lose my kids”. The kids are 18 and 20! I never met them although he stayed almost every weekend at my place and was always there and had a good relationship wit my 21 year old daughter. We went on a few trips together. He was good to me, was there when my Mom passed, helped me move, always things like that. He said he was not in love with his wife and had not been for several years. He had his own small apartment when we met. I found out just a few months ago he had moved back home…said he could not afford it and more….and into the refinished room in the basement. Really. I also got out of him that he had slept with her….two times…..Really. Wtf. She is 8 years older than me, lazy, hardly works and is short and very overweight. I have my own business, work out and work hard. But…..she is his WIFE. After 3 1/2 years of being head over heels for this beautiful man and him and I being amazing friends….I got it. No matter what he says to stall, he is no closer now than he was years ago to divorcing. Hurt like hell, but I ended it. I still love him, but you know, I want MY OWN DAMN MAN. Ladies…do not do this to yourself. It will rip your gut out. Run, break I off. only 3% of men will leave their wives for you. I need to go cry now……….

    2. I see these comments and I’m amazed at the mentality ! I am in process of filing for a divorce ,but I was only out of the house for three weeks when this guy started staying at my house. My wife cheated on me after 20 years of marriage and despite the claim was made that she had cut ties with him, it’s all to obvious that the plan was still in motion. The bottom line is! The mentality that it’s ok to have a relationship with a married person is the mentality of a lower primate! If it means that much to have the other person in your life and you never took your vows seriously then at least take the proper steps by law to regain your freedom before you start acting like trash. I stayed with my wife that I still love dearly and unconditionally for ten months ,doing everything under the sun to make the marriage work! I was unsuccessful to say the least ! The conduct of a dog is unexcusable whether it be a man or a woman. Marriage is not a game and ADULTERY is not acceptable. There are multitudes of single people in the world ! Find one and leave married people alone. There’s no way to justify infidelity from either side of the wedding ring! For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, from this day forward , forsaking all others, till death do us part ! If the table was turned you wouldn’t be so liberal. Ill tell you,IT’S NO FUN !!!!!!!!

      1. Thank you Steve for your honesty. From what you said, it helped me understand why his “wife” hates me. Even though I thought that he was “single”, he never really will be until that divorce happens…if it ever happens? I am sorry for your pain, and how you truly tried to fix your marriage, and it appears she had something else in mind. I HATE being an adulterer, and you are correct when you said it is unexcusable. I was only widowed for 7 months when I met him, and I fought the relationship, but I believed him when he told me that he couldn’t afford a divorce, and didn’t want to hurt his girls. He told me that the marriage had been over for 10 years, and he stayed for his girls.

  5. i have been with man who has been separated for 11 years his wife lives in another province they are civil to one another for the sake of the kids who are not kids they are grown men and women and have their own lives we have been together 8 years and we have decided to move in together the wife on the other hand keeps in contact with him i’ve told him many times are you ever going to go back to her he says no he cares about her but he could never live with her and yet wifey still pulls strings by sending xmas cards and birthday cards i don’t know what to do they’ve split all their assets between them several years ago what should i do

    1. I think its bologna to use money as an excuse.. its just that, an excuse. I didn’t have the money to divorce.. but I did it. Separation my fanny. Its a tie he’s too scared to break. Too many years… yet loves you?! Hmm… sounds like a personal savings account to me. Nice cusion to separate, and have that cusioning JUST in case… right? 🙁 Wow, selfish and unfair! Then to see them smile n laugh together.. as friends.. while u sit and eat the words of ” were done… she’s moved on, we r getting a divorce”. When? Maybe when u realize you’re a forever girl? Hmm, just sketchy and unfair… but why? Why love another and make them believe? Why not just go back and figure it out on ur own? I wonder too?! 🙁 It will eventually get tona policy nt where u will give up and say… no more. Its too much.. wayyy tooo much stress and wondering ALL THE TIME. It will kill you.. literally STEAL your life…. there r a lot of men out there… a lot of GOOD men.. with their heads on STRAIGHT… I say often.. he wants her… GO! Take the higher road… ur beautiful… many MEN would love to love you… withoit a DOUBT!!!!!!

  6. Im in a very similar situation. It is not easy i tell you,im dating a separated married man i even have two kids with him. It is so painful being the second,and what hurt the most is that both are not making any progress about the divorce. Im thinking of ending the relationship,but my daughter loves her dad so much. What should i do please help

    1. Not sure what the question is

      But he’s referring to his wife. If that’s not you then you’re not his wife
      If they’re legally Married and not divorced and taking about her then it seems like “wife” is the appropriate title. Does it bother you that he refers to her as his wife? When they’re still married?

  7. I was also in the same situation. And yes being 2nd hurts! I know he still has feelings for her but she’s done with him. He says he won’t divorce now because it could cost him more financially. He didn’t even want to bother to find out if that was the case. Makes me angry every time I think of it. He obviously didn’t love me enough because if he did, he’d get the divorce.

  8. I have been with a “separated” man for 3 years now. He has 2 girls, who are now 18 and 22. He has been paying a huge amount of support, and some of his past bills thatf he says the court ordered him to. The “wife” lives beyond her income, and he continues to give the small amount left in his paycheck for all the extra things like car repairs, prom dresses, year books, etc. He actually took out another loan to finance the car repairs, and another charge card to pay for a huge vet bill! His “wife” actually makes more a year than him!
    I let him live with me for a year early in our relationship, but broke off the relationship and insisted that I didn’t want to continue to be a secret from his girls any longer. He told his girls about me, and made promises that he eventually broke. I have not let him move back into my house, but I continue to pay for him when we go out, and help him out financially with things like motorcycle batteries, etc… I keep track of what I spend, and insist that he pay me back after years of not doing that.
    He filed for divorce through a cheap internet site, and all she had to do is sign the papers. That was 2 years ago, and she talked him into pulling out the divorce so that SHE could file herself due to the divorce not being GOOD ENOUGH from the internet. HE DID!
    I could go on and on, but in 2 weeks he no longer has to pay support, and I’m waiting to see if he follows through on his promises to me.

  9. Any advice on my above short version of what I have been through? I am a widow of 4 years, and very independant, but regret being so naive to what I was getting myself into. My family has all welcomed him into our family after me “sticking up” for him, but I am NOT allowed to attend his daughters graduation ceremony, because it would UPSET his “wife”.
    His girls do get along with me after a few years of grief, and they joined my surprise birthday party I had for their dad. But his “wife” hates me, and calls me names, which I do not understand since I met him AFTER he left her?
    What should I do?

    1. Hi I’m sorry that u r going threw this n I have to say that the man did what was right by paying for his kids he should have gotten the divorce but men r stupid but he took care of what needed to b done if u were not the reason for there breakup the wife should not be calling u names my kids hate there dads girlfriend n will never accept her due to her being the reason they have no dad

  10. Oh! By the way if their not happy together then they should get a divorce.specially if one isnt feeling loved.the other is just being a vendictive B-tch to hold on out of spite,the bipolar B-tch. if he/she crying because they want out the other isn’t civilized to let it go well then there should be another way to get a parents are legally separated because my dad was out of the country when she tried twe are close friendso divorce him but he was in the army.that relationship was abusive.if two people love each other its not fair for the bipolar to keep them separated.i believe they need to fix some laws about this.i dont like seeing him upset.ill always be there for him.we are close friends;& we like each other alot.

    1. I thank that right if one pwrson is in love and the other not showing love they need to divorce because it bit heathier for marriage holding on make a person so miseable that what cause cheating in relationship

  11. Would appreciate advise. Here’s my unique situation; my wife left me and my son for 3 years and returned to her country. We had very little contact with her aside from a few Skype calls and just one visit a after 2 years. Finally, I decided my son and i needed a permanent situation and started dating. I met a wonderful smart woman who cares deeply for me and my son. When my wife found out she immediately started pushing herself back into my life. I’m so confused about what to do. We are moving towards finalizing a divorce, but it’s a slow process and my girlfriend is getting frustrated..

  12. I have trying to find advice about my situation which is similar. When i first met my “boyfriend” its was last summer and was supposed to be (to me anyway) nithing more than just some fun. He was fun and laid back and i knew he had more baggage than i was willing to deal with. He was married to a woman who left him with 3 young children to become a prostitute in order to support her drug habit. It was ibvious to me he was still in pain over it. They had been seperated for 2 years priir to our meeting and was in a relationship when we furst started talking. When he left the girlfriend was when play time began between us. He and i had fell into a situation we chose to progress with…we found out we were pregnant. It seemed excited at first….i became emotional and my brain went crazy. I felt gross having a baby with a married man. He promised over n over about getting a divorce and wanting to marry me. It sounded nice but i never believed it. The paperwork was signed by both parties but never notorized or submitted. We had our daughter who is 4 months old now and he still uses the money to file as an excuse as to y he has not filed. Im well aware that he could have divorced her many times. He works full-time and im pretty much the only one paying the bills. Thats another story…yesterday he told me that he spoke with her bc she called him to say she was in drug court and out of jail….she found out we had a child (i thought she knew- she also had a child with another man which was signed to be his responsibility due to their marriage). He said during the convo that the divorce was mentioned and she agreed….um????? I thought she agreed when she signed. So when i said just that to him he told me that a couple days after she signed she called saying she was not willing to give him a divorce. That led me to believe he lied about not affording it and made me think that he didnt bc he was hopeful. Now the papers n the first call was sept 2012 and i snooped fibding a message he sent to her in oct 2012 saying he missed and loved her and woukd never give up. I should have left but i was about 5 months pregnant and very confused. Now i have become angry more about the situation. My baby has the same last name as his wife and not me. It is because of this i have become withdrawn…so much so i wish i could just walk out and leave…i cnt because i am not only a mother to our child but a mother of 2 other children who have emotionally invested in him as well as me invested in his children. I have said over n over it wont work but he turns it around n makes me feel horrible so i end up continuing with the misery with a passive attitude and a fake smile on my face. I have developed an eating disorder bc i felt nasty after having our daughter and thought if i lost weight it wouldnt matter what he is doing. Im addicted to an ubscene amount of caffine and and stay up throughout the night bc of it…that and bc i have become anxiety ridden when it comes the the house being clean. I was so happy and confident before him. I knew i was not ready for what he was bringing to this. I love hom bc he father a child of mine but im not in love. I dont have family to turn too and feel very much alone. When i try to confide in him he is quick to walk away or say im wrong 🙁 please help me. Im driving myself crazy and its having an effect on my being a mother. Please help me…

    1. April,
      (((hug))) I think you already know the answer to your question. The difficult part is to follow through with what you already know! I have been with a “separated” man for 3 years, and walked away numerous times, and ended back with him after his empty promises. I finally have walked away, and stayed away. I am a widow of 4 years, with 7 adult children. They have all accepted him over the years, but also have told me to walk away from the drama and heartache!!!
      You are being used, and not a priority. You deserve better, and the bottom line is…what are you teaching your children? To let someone treat you like sh-t?
      I read a book that really helped me. “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood. I recommend that you read the book, and take the advice given. It changed my life! 🙂

  13. I have been dating a guy for a year and a half, he has been separated for 4 years. They have a 5 year old together. After dating him for 5 months I found out he was still married. His wife is a attorney but yet they still are not divorced. It was filed Oct 2012 but he got a letter in the mail April 2013 stating it was going to be dismissed because of no action on it. He tells me not to worry because it will get done but he also talks about marriage all the time and we have moved in together. I know I should have not moved in with him. Am I wrong to let this frustrate me? It is driving me to be angry all the time, not that I show him I’m angry. When I bring it up he says he is on top of it, but he has been on top of it for almost a year.

    1. Jana,
      I also had been “dating” a man for over 3 years that is separated, and understand how difficult it is to keep hoping for the divorce to be final. It’s a long story, but what I have learned is to never dismiss how you feel. It is your decision to keep hanging on, or walk away. I have walked away time and time again, and go back believing the promises he tell me. This time…I won’t go back until the divorce is final, and I know that is what is best for me. I deserve better than being the “other woman”. We are maintaining being friends, and that is all it can be for now.
      Good luck.

  14. I have read through the comments here, and my head and my heart understand all too well what many of you are going through.

    I was briefly married in my 20s. It didn’t work, and I was served divorce papers while teaching in another country, a place where my then husband was to join me about a month after we moved. He later when onto marry a very close friend of mine.

    I have gone on to be a professor and practitioner in the fields of technology and business, and cherish my independence. I battled anorexia, so as healing from that happened, letting another person into my life was slow, but I started to allow it.

    My current “boyfriend” and I have been together for over three years. I did not know he was married until six weeks of seeing him. Nor did I let him get to close to me for about the same time. He has sons in their 20s, and sadly, one was was killed in an acciident the same year we met.

    He and his wife own a beautiful house and rental cabin on 600 feet of lake front. She moved out from their house, but insisted on managing the rental property. (He does the maintence.). I have lived through numerous memorials for their son where the family gathers (I am not allowed to be there), been in his house while he talks to renters and his wife, and have been chastised for many things that have occured when I visit (like not washing the dishes properly.)

    I don’t go over there much now, but I miss the hugs. I do try to text/call, but rarely do those get returned. And then ,out of the blue, I ‘ll get a special text and think everything has been in my head about him not liking me.

    Granted, I like my independence. I’m 52 and have been single for all but four years. Thought I’d try loving a person. Seems I’ve blown it. I know I have to cut loose. But isn’t a “once in awhile hug” better than no hug at all?

    1. Diane,
      I am also 52. I lost my husband to cancer 5 years ago, and met a “separated” man 6 months after later. Please reconsider continuing with your relationship with this man. It will cause you a lot of heart ache and pain. I have been through so much emotional pain in the 4 1/2 years I have known my current boyfriend. We have been off and on again the entire relationship, because I always give into his promises and go back into the sadness. He still isn’t divorced, and that is another long story. I could go on and on about the crap I have put up with, but bottom line is, “PLEASE WALK AWAY before you get too emotionally involved”.

  15. I have also been dating a man 2 years nowlive together for a year with totally been together 3 year he has been separated from his wife7 years alsoI have told him how awful about it and how I would want to be married somedayhe gets mad and says he don’t want to pay for it it would be probably $300did last year he made me promise I would never bring it up againwell it made me resent him I made him leave the houseI love him so much and I miss him but I’m heartbroken but not as heartbroken as I am when he was with meI don’t know how I’m going to get over this is going to take a long timewe had fun together a lot in common but he had no respect so sad. I wibut I felt it was forced Mr wrongd with him again. He did finally after srveral arguments bout it say ok i will get a divorce but I felt it was Forced am I wrong

  16. Before reading all of these responses, I thought I was alone in this situation. I was in an unhappy marriage for 10 years when my ex husband and I decided to divorce. We have 2 children together and our situation was a little rough so I decided to move across the country to be closer to my family with our children. About 9 months after separating from my ex husband (I couldn’t file for divorce until I had lived in the new state for a while) I ran into an old friend from when I was a teenager. We only text first and then he asked if I wanted to hang out. So we went on a little date. It was amazing. The most amazing first date I have ever had. He was married with 2 children as well but had been separated from his wife for a year and a half. Within a few weeks of dating him, I filed for divorce and it was final within 6-8 weeks. We have been dating for 7 months now and he has not began to file. They are trying to agree on everything so they can have a dissolution instead of a divorce but the custody of the kids is getting in the way. He wants to have more time with them then she is wanting him to have. He has met my entire family but I have not met his. Only a few of his family and friends know I exist because he doesn’t want our relationship hinder his divorce. Which I completely understand because I want him to be able to get the time with his kids that he deserves. I want to feel included in his life and at the rate things are going, I don’t think I ever will be. I have a feeling his divorce will be drug out for a while. He withdrawals from me when things get rough and it hurts. I have thought several times that I should just give up and move on without him but at the end of the day, I feel we would be perfect together and I really do care about him. I want to see where our relationship will go once he does get divorced. I’m really glad to find out that I am not the only one who feels this way. I wish everyone luck with their loves.

  17. A man not legally separated is not available. Any guy who’s been separated for years (and is still not legally separated or divorcing) will NEVER be available.

    A Mr. Unavailable can’t commit to being with you, can’t commit to not being with you, and can’t commit to an outcome.

    Getting hurt is the only thing you can really count on under these circumstances because…

    You’re an “option”.

    1. I’m sorry but my thoughts are even if a man is legally separated he still is married and i consider the women a mistress, I;m saying this because I’m going thru a separation right now and MY HUSBAND is seeing another women( I call her the home wrecker)

  18. Hi!I need your advice please answer me us soon married in my country but im not stay long time that guy i seperate for morethan 5 years.i have me bf and im pregnant 7 months.what can i do my bf he want to marry w/me but the reason is? Thanks

  19. I really need a widow and I have been with my bf. For 2 years. At the beginning he told me that he was divorced. And a week ago I find out that he is not divorced. I’m soo sad. He never invited me over to his house. I never met anyone of his family. We work together. When he is with me he is very lovely. But as soon he goes home he doesn’t call me or text or answer to my calls. I was asking myself why he does this and when I asked him why. He makes soo many excuses. OK I felt a sleep.i was tired. But last week I found out from an anonymous call that he is not divorce. I don’t know what to do. I love him. Please help me.i haven’t said anything to him. I’m very depressed. He is separated for 10 years now. But he lied to me . because if I new this I will never went with him. Ani

  20. Eny,
    I think you know what you should do, but are feeling very depressed not wanting to follow through. First…he lied to you! Second…he doesn’t invite you over to his house, or meet anyone of his family? You are being deceived! WALK AWAY…no RUN! You deserve more than this! I am also a widow, and miss my husband very much. BUT, I am learning, and much better at not replacing that pain with a married man. (I had been dating a “separated man” for 4 1/2 years before I finally walked away.) I am learning to love myself, and enjoy being happy without a man in my life that is using me. Heal from the pain, and move on.

  21. Hi there, have been dating this guy for 6months, his wife left him and his kids. Year ago and she found out she was pregnant, so fhey decised to hold off the divorce proceedings(cultural belief). 2 months after baby is born but now his wife comin up with different excuses to hold if off..nd am now 2months pregnant and frustrated he is not keepin up with his promises ( he wanted us to have baby, had talked bwt marriage) . Now am told his wife will flip when she finds out, he is cuttin me out of his kidslives coz she gets upset..all in the the name of i dnt want to lose my kids, yet shewalked out on them. So now i dnt know wat to believe, am ashamed to tell my feiends and family about pregnancy. feel out of control ….HELP!!

  22. I’m so happy that I ran into this site. I recently met a man that is legally separated but married. the first week before we met we talked and talked about everything as if we already knew each other. when we got together I was already in love or was I just infatuated. this man treated me like I never been treated before in my life. he made me feel special. no man has never made me feel this way. he told me that his wife left him to be with another man which is her supervisor at her job and that she filed for the legal separation. three weeks into our relationship she decides she wants to come back. I don’t know if she found out that he was seeing someone else and decided hey she not playing with my toy. he made the decision to give it another try. that really hurt my feelings after all the promises he made. but I was the stupid one. and he told me he just got out of prison this year. that was a whole lot to handle but I didn’t let that bother me because he was the perfect gentleman. I have learned my lesson and I’m just so happy that my relationship didn’t last a year. I’m pretty upset because his wife still work at the same job with her supervisor that she claims she not seeing anymore to make it work with her husband and she sleeps in a separate room. how are you go come home then sleep in a separated room. now he don’t call me more and I didn’t even know that he was going to do that to me. so know I have complete silence from him no explanation at all.

  23. I’ve been dating a seperated man for 2 months. I asked him in the beginning of our relationship if they were over or if there was a possibility of working it out. He talked to her and told me that it was over and he was going to start looking for a lawyer. He went over the other morning to see his kids and she had one of his friends there and he had spent the night. He was very emotional and told me his 13 year old daughter would barely talk to him and his 4 year old snuggled with him but he didn’t think they loved him. He said his kids started calling him by his first name now and this other guy was going to the kids sporting events when he wasn’t there. Is he upset about the kids actions or is he still not ready to move on from his wife? They’ve been seperated a year, but he moved out 8 months ago.

  24. Valerie,
    I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me, at first it didn’t feel like cheating when he wasn’t living with his wife. I had no idea that the divorce would take so long! I wish I had all the information I do now, before going through hell. The longer the divorce took, and his actions, made me feel like it was cheating. Never, ever again! When I heal enough to go back to the dating field, I will make certain they are a widower or divorced for at least one year.


  26. As I read these tales of woe from “girlfriends” I find myself getting physically sick.

    First, you are inhuman candy to thses sick bastards and seem happy to be used as you keep volunteering.

    I don’t care what bs the two timing a hole is feeding you to keep you hooked it is a lie and HE or She ( his wife) is not hurting you half as much as you are hurting yourself to accept being human egotistical sacrafice to the alter of their nuttiness.

    You really think thses folks aren’t enhancing their egos at YOUR expense? Boy do you need some esteem and a wakeup call.

    The reason these guys don’t divorce is that they KNOW legally they have committed adultry and therefore will lose their a-s, assets and probably their kids.

    The wife may reluctantly accept this bs for several reasons;
    He is lying to her AND you to protect his financial assets
    He is ego off on two women fighting over him.
    He is in a gain gain with two choices to satisfy himself sexually.
    He can manipulate one or the other to get HIS needs met sexually and egotistically AND financially.
    You are condoning his selfish to give him the time of day. You think if he gets rid of HER he is gonna treat you any better? Dream on…you have shown him it is ok to USE two women to satisfy himself…but wife will have all legal claims, you have None!
    After 36 years of marriage I had the shock to find I was lied to by one of these a holes. I asked upon our first date to see his divorce decree ( am not dating a married man)…36 years later find he had shown me his FIRST decree of divorce from her five years earlier. I was 23. Turns out he had remarried her and guess the date that marriage was final…yep OUR wedding day to the exact date….which means he lied big time and had tricked me into dating and just damn close to marrying an already married man.

    For 36 years he kept that lie and I swear I never had a clue…I only found this out as we were divorcing 36 years later. My wedding was his date of final divorce…..I had no clue he was pathologically using me.
    What a shocker, confirmed what it took this gal to see…he was a selfish jerk with little regard for others.
    Wake up ladies…you KNOW he is a jerker.

  27. i met a 65 year man on a dating website. we met a few days after contact on the site. we shared our lives with one another. he told me he has been separated from his with for 8 years and they had an adopted son together, whom now that the son is 20 he and the son did not see things eye to eye. he told me he had very little contact with his wife. he lives around the corner from his family.
    the house he lives in looks like a house that she was thrown into with all his clothes but the house wasn’t cleaned or before he moved in, it looks unlivable.
    we were talking on the phone one night he told me about his family reunion coming up in July and his wish to go but did not have anyone to take with him at the time i thought nothing of the conversation other than just that a conversation. one particular night we were out to dinner and he mentioned the reunion again in conversation. he told me where the reunion will be held. he asked me if i would like to go with him. he asked me if i had vacation time i could use i told him i had 2 weeks available. i told him yes i would love to go. i told him give me the amount i should pay and i would give the money to him. we ended the conversation and started talking about other things.
    a couple of days later he called me and said his wife had booked the reunion vacation travel plans and had paid for the trip already. he said the son wanted to attend this year. i was shocked but not surprised.
    a few weeks went by i was curious and asked him if he and his wife were separated 8 years why do they still vacation together and if he and his son did not get along how would they stand spending 7 days together in a hotel. all of a sudden he stop calling stopped talking to me all together. i only asked based on what he told me. had he never mentioned the vacation at all i would not have known.
    now i seems like the bad guy for asking about his life. he never said e were topics that was off limits.
    im so angry that because he told me to always practice open communication with him the only dumb question is the one not asked.

  28. I didn’t realize how common this dilemma was. Early on, my bf led me to believe that divorce was on his radar–a mere technicality that he hadn’t tackled yet because of financial implications. He had been separated for over 6 years, and definitely considered himself single and available. It wasn’t until after I had already started falling in love that I learned how scared he is of going through with making his status legally official… even more scared than he is of losing me, it would seem. That is heart-breaking–when a guy takes your soul and basically says: “This is all we’ll ever be. Take it or leave it.” He eventually told me that it wasn’t just the finances, but also the fact that he never wanted to be “that guy” who was “twice divorced.” (Somehow not legalizing his second divorce makes him more noble??? I’d call it less honest.) I still love him with all my heart, but if his non-negotiable is that he’d rather live a lie than be labeled: “Twice Divorced,” then I think he should understand my image-driven non-negotiable. I never wanted to be “that woman” who is dating someone else’s husband. Until his legal status lines up with how he wants to live, I will continue to feel–at least on some level–like a mistress.

    1. Bridgett,
      Sorry for your heartache. Been there, and walked away many times. Even after the months I finally stayed away, it hurts to think that I wasn’t important enough in his life to not finalize the divorce. I left, and his wife finished the divorce! Now he is dating someone else, but I know I am much better off without him. I will never be a priority in his life, and actions speak louder than words!
      Let me repeat that phase again…ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!
      I hope you make some changes, and heal from the pain.

    I tried dating an older man who has been separated for 8 years. But still have all vacations, birthdays, holidays etc.. with his wife and 21yr old. He wont call me on a daily bases. He doesn’t seem to be at all concerned about me period. When we are together he’s attentive but wont share any of himself in conversation and rarely want to know what’s going on with me. I realized after dating 5 months that he was never gonna make me a priority. I left and never looked back.

  30. Something I’ve been thinking about this morning…Is it possible that many of these married men who are separated and claiming a relationship with someone else are actually using these women for companionship as they transition away from their marriages (with or without divorce)? It’s as if they find another woman, maybe the result of marital issues and/or boredom, and of course she grows attached; he already wants ‘out’ of his marriage; he claims to want some sort of future with her; she takes that to mean he wants to marry her and takes him in; his divorce and her desire for marriage never happen, and at some point either he leaves because he knows in reality that’s not what he really wants with her, or she gets wise and throws him out. I’ve seen this type of scenario with my father and with quite a few other generally middle aged men, and I hate to admit that I worry for my own marriage. It just seems too common.

  31. I’m going thru this now. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2yrs now. We live together for the last 2yrs. He left his life and moved in with me. He’s been living on his own for a few years without his wife. They have a child together and he sees her as often as possible because we live far away from her. I’ve met his mother his friends and even stay with his daughter when he’s at work. I still feel like things aren’t great. He doesn’t want her to know about his relationship at all. He doesn’t post pictures on social media of me due to the fact they have mutual friends and he’s still married. Should I stay or walk away.

  32. I recently met a man after a 30 year relationship with my former lover went sour i am 58 and he is 72 he is seperated from his wife because of pregnating women during their marriage he gives me anything i need for the 3 months of our meeting he calls me every day and every night he needs to know where i am and where i am going if i am leaving home he has a good job at a financial institution i also manage an offshore company do you think it is agood idea to continue with this relationship or should i run for my life LOL Seriously i think this is going to be an i buy you and i control you situation
    Should i continue in this relationship

    1. I recently met a man after a 30 year relationship with my former lover went sour i am 58 and he is 72 he is seperated from his wife because of pregnating women during their marriage he gives me anything i need for the 3 months of our meeting he calls me every day and every night he needs to know where i am and where i am going if i am leaving home he has a good job at a financial institution i also manage an offshore company do you think it is agood idea to continue with this relationship or should i run for my life LOL Seriously i think this is going to be an i buy you and i control you situation
      Should i continue in this relationship

  33. My partner has been separated for about 4 years, we have been together for 3 and in that time I have been asking about her getting a divorce (still hasn’t happened). last night I found out she has been sending him txt messages (all been deleted and i only found them on phone bill)and getting him to call her for fairly long talks (more so if I am out of town)she has confessed that she did stop in and see him once, although they don’t have any kids together and I feel she only told me as it was Halloween and had kids knocking on the door.

  34. My partner just split up with me 5 days ago after a 2 year relationship. He had been separated 18 months when we met. He keeps saying he will do the divorce papers but just the first stage is in and nothing else for 6 months now. It took him a year to tell his daughters (15 and 10) that he was seeing me, and Ive only met them a few times. I’m not allowed to stay at his place whilst they are there. He had asked me to marry him and saw a future for us, and said he’s never loved anyone like me.
    Last Friday he just said – I need to set you free as you told me to let you know if I couldnt live with you and you keep pushing to get to know my girls. I’m scared I will lose them and they wont stay with me if you are there. He said he needed counselling. He did not leave the door open or discuss any other scenario but was shocked when I said i would not contact him ever again. I should have heeded the red flags. Run for the hills away from a married man who has young daughters, and dont look back

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