Warning: This is an interview conducted between Urban Belle and a celibate woman. In no way, shape, or form are we as a staff telling you what to do in your own sexual life; but instead we wanted to explore the experiences in a life of celibacy. This conversation won’t be politically correct as this young woman discuss her choices; but instead, raw and vivid in order to give you a fresh prospective on a subject that has been labeled outdated and impossible in 2010. For her own personal reasons, the interviewee has decided to use a pen name verses disclosing her birth name. This young woman has opted to remain a mystery, not because she is ashamed to be sexless in her mid 20s, but because she values her privacy, just as much as you value yours. Although her name is uncertain, her story, opinions, and thoughts are genuine and untainted for those willing to walk a mile in her six inch stilettos.
Meet Jessica Williams…
Urban Belle: How long have you been celibate?
Jessica: I have been celibate for 2 and a half years. Next February will make 3 years for me.
Urban Belle: Celibacy is more like an urban legend in today’s society. It seems as if everyone is having sex. What made you give up sex in a society built on peer pressure and sex with no strings?
Jessica: I gave up sex for quite a few reasons. I actually consider myself very sexual, and I enjoyed intimacy just as much as the next person. But after a really unhealthy relationship, I began to question my own views on sex. I was in a committed relationship for over 2 years, and I had given much of myself to this man. I thought everything was okay, but turns out he was screwing other women while I was in class and at work. When I ended up alone in a local clinic to get tested for STDs, I realized then that I didn’t want to end up there again. He wasn’t worth it, and most men aren’t. I began a life of celibacy after that doctor’s visit. I don’t want to risk my health on someone who can’t even seriously commit to me.
Urban Belle: Oh that is devastating. How did you find out he was cheating? Was he getting strange phone calls at late hours–or did the other woman contact you about the affair?
Jessica: Oh it was nothing on that scale…I just happened to find a used condom in the trash can of his apartment one morning before I went to work. Did I mention that I was on birth control and we had stopped using condoms six months prior to that? He had the nerve to still lie and say it was ours. I ended the relationship shortly after the discovery of the used condom.
Urban Belle: When you say you are celibate, and not currently sexually active; does that also include oral sex and masturbation?
Jessica: I am not sexually active in any way. I do not give or receive oral sex.
As far as masturbation is concerned, I do masturbate. It’s not so much a lustful act for me personally, but a woman who enjoys orgasms. No man is on my mind sexually.
Urban Belle: Is there ever a moment when you regret your decision to give up sex?
Jessica: Not at all. To me, it feels like I’ve gained my power back. When I was giving my ex and others a piece of me sexually, it’s like they had the upper hand. They had the power. I became emotionally invested in the men that I was sleeping with. But when I stopped having sex, I regained all of my power. When I got back on the dating scene, it made me feel sexier. I felt like a different woman. I was alluring, mysterious. I was hard to obtain. When men discovered I was celibate, it was intriguing. They wanted desperately to be that man to break me out of my dry spell. But it felt good to tell them that they couldn’t have me. It always feels good to be the one woman that everyone can’t have.
Celibacy also allowed me to make better decisions when it comes to men and dating. I wasn’t under the spell of good sex, and no penis controls me. It’s harder to walk away from a bad situation when you were physically involved with someone. Intimacy is dangerous with the wrong person.
Urban Belle: But it can’t be easy to be celibate in this day and age. Men have less patience with women, since most women are willing to have sex with no strings. How much harder was it to date and get to know men when you know that sex is not an option?
Jessica: It was difficult for a while. I can’t even say that it was easy to get adjusted, but I was driven to get adjusted to this new lifestyle. I’m an attractive woman, so men approach me all the time. We make a little small talk, and I flirt a little. My personality is inviting, and they want more. But I am committed to a life of celibacy right now. I never felt like it was fair to lead men on, so I was very upfront. I told them I was celibate, and planned on staying that way until the real thing comes along.
Now I’m not saying that men didn’t run away from me after that, because some surely did. But I didn’t take it personal…I was just weeding out the trash without even having to get my hands dirty. Can’t be mad at that.
Urban Belle: Did religion play a factor in your choice to give up sex?
Jessica: I will admit, I am not a religious person. It’s just not me. I believe in God, and I’m a Christian, but in no way or form can I say that I am a religious freak. I am spiritual, and there’s a big difference. I am human, and I am fine with making mistakes. But I always want to do better. So somethings I had to change and give up to become a better woman. Sex is one of them.
I believe Jesus Christ died for my sins, and I believe that the bible offers wisdom to those willing to open it and read it. Did God play a factor in my choice? Of course He did. But there were other factors too.
My body is precious to me and I don’t want to give it away to men that won’t matter 10 years from now. I didn’t mind it before, but the older I get, the more silly the idea sounds to me. Women risk so much more than men when we get physical. I can’t think of any form of cancer that men can get from having multiple sexual partners. I honestly don’t think our bodies were made to handle meaningless physical relationships. We stand to lose more.
Urban Belle: You mentioned earlier that you do still masturbate–isn’t that against the teachings of Christianity?
Jessica: Oh yes, I do still masturbate. Like I previously stated, I masturbate not out of lust for men or sexual intercourse. I masturbate strictly for release.
Where in the bible does it say that masturbation is a sin?
A lot of Christians were told by their pastors that masturbation is a sin, yet they cannot quote one scripture that backs up that claim. There is nowhere in the bible that mentions masturbation is a sin. Some people refer to Genesis 38:9, but Onan was not masturbating. He disobeyed God while having sex, and refused to impregnate a woman God asked him to impregnate by refusing to ejaculate inside of her.
Impure thoughts is a sin, not masturbation itself. Like I mentioned earlier, no man is on my mind sexually. But I do enjoy orgasms, and continue to experience them in my celibacy without intercourse or oral sex. But this is my way of doing things. Some celibate people don’t masturbate and some do.
But this is why every Christian must read the Bible for themselves, verses relying on human beings to tell them what’s inside it.
Urban Belle: That’s an interesting perspective. What’s one of the biggest advantages of being celibate?
Jessica: Clarity. I am in tune with myself and in tune with my Maker. We’re one. No sex also keeps me from rushing into relationships or developing emotions too soon for a man. Since sex is not a factor, I have been able to get to know someone in the purest form. And that feels good.
Urban Belle: Celibacy means different things to different people. Some people are waiting for marriage, while others are waiting for a committed relationship built on a sold foundation. What are you waiting on?
Jessica: At this moment of my life, I am not even sure if I want to be married. I am still learning and still growing, and marriage isn’t definite just yet. That could change in a couple years. If I ever decide that marriage is for me, I will most certainly wait for marriage. I am still trying to distinguish if marriage is the best thing for me.
Urban Belle: I know you mentioned that you began dating a little while after deciding to become celibate, is there anyone special in your life right now?
Jessica: I have options! (laughs) I have a few options. I am still trying to get to know myself and the men who are interested in me. I am taking my time and getting to know them and they are getting to know me. I do have strong feelings for one man in particular, but we’re taking things slow. And I have to know this is right before I forsake all men…and all my options (laughs). Hey, I’m a young woman. I’m enjoying this.
Urban Belle: Oh wow–I thought only men had options in this intense dating environment!
Jessica: Not if you have the power. Women can always have options IF they play it smart. I won’t commit until I am sure that I am with someone who I can trust and who I can build something with.
Urban Belle: So there is someone that you have feelings for. Do you ever get nervous and worry that he will grow impatient and sleep with another woman?
Jessica: Not at all. We’re open, and I tell him to do what he feels is right. I’m not emotionally or physically invested into this, and it’s still premature. If he feels he can’t wait on me while we build something, he can always find someone else. I’ll survive.
What he decides to do won’t change what I am doing. This is my life and my body, and I will always do what’s best for me. I believe that God grants us the desires of our hearts, and there’s someone out there for me. There’s no need for me to be desperate.
Urban Belle: That’s real. Not a lot of women would feel that way. What advice would you give to any woman considering celibacy?
Jessica: I’d tell her to go for it. Especially if she’s single and considering marriage. Celibacy is a great way to get to know yourself, and weed out problematic men. It also gives you some peace in a time where sexually transmitted diseases are running rampant in the black community. Condoms break all the time.
I’m also a huge advocate of Cervical Cancer prevention, and celibacy is a great way to lower the chances of developing the cancer. Having multiple sex partners increases a woman’s chances of developing cervical cancer. So it’s pretty smart for your body and mind to cut out sex for a while.
Even though this worked for me, every woman must make the choice that’s best for her and make no apologies for it. You only get one body.