The Smart Single Woman: “Where Are The Good Men?”

Your questions, my answers. 

By: Amanda Anderson

Q. The statistics regarding the likelihood of African American women getting married scares me. I am a single black woman, with a college degree, great job, and soon to be home owner. It saddens me that I will own a home before I get married. But what saddens me even more is the fact that my dating life is down right depressing. I date, but in the end, I still end up back where I started…single. It just amazes me how it’s a plethora of men who don’t mind sleeping with me with no strings attached, but when it comes to a solid relationship, I keep drawing blanks and attracting selfish men. Where are the good men?! Like seriously, where are they hiding? Tell me where to go, because I am getting ready to give up on love. -Elle D.

A. You asked where are the good men? Overlooked.

Yes, the good men are overlooked, and the good guy is the one you usually don’t even notice in your favorite spot. Am I saying this to patronize? No, I’m saying it because it is fact. Good men are hard to notice in a crowded area of flashy losers.

Here’s what I’ve noticed.

Good men just aren’t typically flashy. When they go out, they don’t usually draw a lot of attention to themselves. They aren’t talking loud, bragging or boasting, they tend to be relaxed, attentive, and the least likely to behave like the typical douche bags that we tend to date.

He doesn’t have swag, so he doesn’t spend his whole paycheck on materialistic things, or feel the need to be like every one else.

In short, he refuses to conform, so he’s that guy who approaches us politely, and we shoot down because he just looks boring.

He’s the smart guy in the class who makes the good grades and can answer the tough questions. He’s the guy at work who always shows up on time, and works the hardest.

He’s intelligent, God fearing, woman respectin’…so he won’t argue with you or raise his voice to prove how manly he is. But sadly, we write off this behavior as weak and inferior, when it’s strength in respecting a woman when she’s the least deserving of it.

When he is interested in a woman, he genuinely attempts to get to know her, and won’t take his precious time in letting her know that. He believes in commitment, so he won’t be pressing you for sex, and putting off getting into a real relationship.

But he’s also that same guy that’s typically too boring to get you to agree to let him take you out on a date, the one you said is too nice to be with, the guy you walk past because he doesn’t look flashy enough, and ignore because he doesn’t have that it factor.

So naturally, you’ll keep dating the douche bags…the ones who have the it factor, but the inability to even be faithful or stay in a relationship.

To sum it up, the question is not where are the good men, but do you have what it takes to notice them? 

Measure a man not but what he looks like, not by a term popularized by one of the most materialistic and mindless generations ever (swag), or his bank account; but instead his character, his actions, and the way he treats women. And by doing so, you’ll begin to see, it’s not a specific location that leads one to a good man, but wisdom, and a sense of discernment to know him when she meets him.

God bless.

1 comment

  1. Well said indeed, I am one of those geeky guys that no woman notices me, until she does that is, then she figures it out and every woman I have had has said if only they had found me sooner. Funny part is when it comes down to it, the bad boys aren't even that bad compared to the "nice guy" most have also agreed I am a freak in the bed and no one hurts my lady when she is around me.

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