5 Signs That You Need to Move On

As Valentine’s Day comes to an end, it’s evident that many of us may have our standards too low when it comes to just what a relationship should be like. Now, the interesting thing about the commercialized “Holiday” is, that although it was meant to be a good day for couples, it actually brings out the worst in couples. Women evaluate just how much a man really loves them by the grandeur of the gifts they receive, and men stress over rather they can spend enough to make up for their lack of effort for the other 364 days of the relationship. Now, before you label me as a hater (a term used automatically when someone presents an opinion that differs from the masses), I am in a happy and healthy relationship. No I’m not angry about my other relationships failing, nor do I feel like it’s someone else’s fault for why I got in any of those fail prone relationships. To sum it up, no, I am not the stereotypical angry black woman mad at the world that I had some pretty big blemishes in my past loves. So it isn’t that I find a flaw in Valentine’s Day because I’m angry, it’s just that I see a flaw in putting so much emphasis on one day like I used to, and currently many others do.

A relationship requires upkeep, yet, we will stay in relationships with people who don’t feel like working the other 364 days out of the year. 

Amazingly, I was the woman who had the amazing Valentine’s Day, only to be treated like crap on the “regular” days. Yes, they bought me jewelry, flowers, candies, and gave me plenty of romance; but yet, these men were total douche bags on the days that had no significance on the calendar. But in my younger days, I looked forward to that one day he would go above and beyond.

Now in my mid 20s, I believe we should all go above and beyond everyday for our significant others. 

But sadly, many women will stay in their unhealthy relationships with the same douche bag for many years because he “courted” her one day out of the year.

Many women just don’t recognize the signs of a dead end relationship, and please believe it’s costing us.

Yes, dead end relationships are costing us in areas that we simply cannot be refunded. We can never get the years back that we spend with the wrong one, yet we will spend most of our adult lives trying to make a gem out of a pebble. We invest in unworthy investments, and when we get sucked dry for all of our funds, we’re angry at the investment…but the investment was a choice, and never mandatory to our true value.

And that’s the thing with investments. Investments don’t owe the investor anything. From the start, we must do the research to find out if this man is even worth investing into. If he’s good stock he will mature and get better as he ages. Yet, we won’t take a cue from Wall Street and remove our funds from the bad investments before we end up with nothing but shattered lives and wasted time.

How can we ever have fulfilling lives when we’re investing in the wrong men? Do we not understand the purpose of the bad relationships? They were only meant to be lessons, yet we keep trying to make a soulmate out of the bad example that was meant to give us future references to what we don’t need.

Women were not built to be mistreated, yet we equate mistreatment as a sign of real love and a healthy relationship. Think about it…no woman feels more owed than the woman who puts in more years into a relationship with a selfish man who takes more than he gives. And why is it that any woman feels the man who continues to make her miserable despite her loyalty owes her, but she never factors in that she owes only herself true happiness by walking away from misery?

So while we are measuring how much a man loves us by how much he spends on us for some commercialized Holiday, we can’t be angry at anyone but ourselves for not being wise enough to measure love by how we are treated on the days that don’t call for Hallmark cards and romantic gifts.

And most importantly, we have to know when it’s time to move on and actually, move on. Not move on in our heads, but move on in our hearts. 

If you’re not sure whether your relationship is worth holding on to, here are 5 reasons you may need to let go, and finally move on.

1. He isn’t making any changes or keeping the promises he made to make those changes.

Do I understand that nobody is perfect? Yes. But do I believe that the previous statement gives someone a reason to stay at their worst? No.

Unfortunately, for some men, they don’t seem to believe that any relationship requires their best self. Now you may have held on to your end of the bargain and worked on the things he took issue with; but since you’re dating a selfish dude, you can’t be too surprised that he himself has made no real effort to change.

In relationships, we all want to be loved for who we are. But a healthy relationship is about compromise. And it’s in compromise that you find two people to work on the things that are damaging their relationship. Simply put, in successful relationships, both people are willing to change the things that are causing problems in their companionship.

It’s all about selflessness, and not only do you need it to be a lovable woman, but he needs it to be worthy of your love as well.

Two givers come together and no one feels shorted. I call that real love.

2. Frequent breakups.

For some reason, when people think of what love is, they believe it’s a relationship full of ups and downs. While no relationship is perfect, an emotional roller coaster is not a sign of real love. To these same people, no relationship is real if there aren’t frequent break ups. This could possibly be the mentality of many because even in our R&B music, it is always the most prevalent singers who croon over the one significant other they can’t seem walk away from…even though they are completely miserable in the relationship.

But the truth is, frequent break ups are not a sign of love. Love makes you want to work on your relationship, not forfeit. Either you’re lovin’ or you’re leavin’, but it can’t be both.

When somebody stops working in the relationship, it’s time to move on.

3. Infidelity.

This has to be one of the most heated topics. And it has to be because most of us have no real clue on just what love really is. So it’s no surprise that there are many who believe that love has nothing to do with cheating, and that it is totally possible for someone to love you and cheat on you despite that. But believe me when I say that the belief is nothing but bulls-it in its purest form.

But many women must have bought into the lie because many will stay with their partners after they catch them cheating.

Now let’s be very clear here…

Cheating is a form of selfishness. No, it’s not a mistake, it’s just the act committed by someone who cares more about themselves than the person they are currently in the relationship with. And this is why it is no way possible that someone who loves you would cheat on you. Love is about selflessness, the opposite of love is the love of self above others. So if your man is creeping, no he doesn’t love you, and staying with him would be a disservice to yourself.

If your man is cheating, there’s nothing to work on. And that’s simply because selfish people (as all cheaters are) aren’t capable of doing anything that benefits other people.

4. The displays of love and romance have ceased completely, except on Valentine’s Day.

Your man might have been extremely affectionate, loving, and romantic in the beginning. But let’s face it, a man will be anything he has to be in the beginning to get a woman he has no business being with in the first place. So what any man does in the beginning is the least significant of what he is doing now. It’s now and what happens when the fresh phase is over, that paints the true portrait of any man.

If your significant other no longer shows you any displays of love and affection, except by buying you gifts one day out of the year, then it’s time for you to get out of the relationship.

Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who can’t even show you he loves you 365 days out the year?

5. He takes no responsibility for his issues, and blames you for the current state of the relationship instead.

I’m sure you’re not perfect, and I’m aware that you have some flaws on your end. But it’s hard to be in a relationship with a man who considers himself blameless, although his flaws are completely obvious to everyone else. These are the same men who will and can find an excuse for all of their absurd behavior, but they never seem to have time to work on the relationship.

It is important to understand that “perfect” and “blameless” people don’t do well in relationships. However, those that are aware that they are flawed and willing to work on themselves tend to do the best in relationships. It’s one reason for that, and that is because these people understand that a relationship requires work, so they perform. But those blameless people (who are not really blameless) have no clue on how to work in relationships because they believe they are naturally God’s gift to someone else.

A relationship is all about progress, and perfect people don’t progress.

I get that it’s hard to move on from someone that you truly care about, and really want to be with. But understand that as we get older, what we want can never take place of what we need. And it’s when we get in relationships with people we want, our needs become even more clear, and we find ourselves miserable for not receiving the things essential to our happiness. And our wants are not essential, and they never will be.

For instance, how many of us need big mansions or fancy cars to be happy? No one. So those things are classified as wants, and as we see, neither of them are essential to our happiness.

But how many of us need some form of shelter to survive, rather it be a small apartment or one level home?Exactly. You’ll find that even those people with small and less glamorous homes are thankful, and happy to have a roof over their heads.

Needs are all that matters.

Just because you want to be with this man, doesn’t mean you need to be with this man. Misery has never been a part of love, but work has and will always be required in every relationship. There are two kinds of people in the world, the selfish and the selfless. A selfish man cheats, lies, break promises, shows no affection, leaves you when things get hard, and after all of that, still considers himself blameless. 

But a selfless man, he knows he’s flawed, wants to improve in areas that can hurt his relationship, believes your happiness is essential to his happiness, shows you you’re loved everyday without having to spend money, only loves you more when it gets hard, and is faithful because hurting you and the relationship is just not an option no matter how big the temptation.

The former (selfless man) may sound like a fairy tale, but he’s out there, and only when women leave the selfish men alone will they meet a selfless man.

But you have to move on before that can happen.