4 Ways Black Women “F” Up Their Own Happiness

Happiness is relative, but sometimes it is us and not other people delaying own version of it.

By: Amanda Anderson-Niles

Before I was a married woman, I used to have totally different and frightening ideas of what love was. In my prime, I believed love was like some sort of force field, so unmistakeably powerful that it could push two people together without any of our help. I believed in the one, one soulmate, one person created for own own unique fairy tales. And then after I fell in love and found the one several times, it finally hit me that I ought to stop approaching real love like it’s meant to have a story book ending. Because with real love outside of Disney books and fairy Godmothers, it never really ends but requires plenty work for its maintenance.

After a recent conversation I had with someone very dear and close to me, I was asked why some women can get it right and some never will. It’s truly a complex question and I certainly can’t be the one to give a straight narrow path to real love and its benefits. I am the same woman who found a serial cheater and non monogamous men attractive and worth several years of my attention.

Was it because I was stupid? A little, but also because I often confused my purpose in life with that of needing to fix people.

Though my life is drastically different now than when it was when I moonlighted as a Superhero put on earth to save selfish men and make monogamy appealing, I realized that I didn’t get closer to marriage until I drastically decided to retire the cape. I had to change my mentality and end my addiction to toxic relationships.

It all began in that one instance that I realized that I control every aspect in my life–even relationships. Any man may approach, but only I make the decision on who gets in and stays in my life.

Nonetheless I can tell you 4 ways we prevent our own happiness, and 4 ways you are totally f-ing up any chances of having healthy relationships.

1. You have a victim mentality, usually a result of reading too many toxic publications targeted to black women.

Everywhere we turn there is somebody new telling us why black men don’t want our a–es. We’re such a concern and hot topic everywhere on the web and in the magazines, but it’s not because they care about our happiness. We simply generate enough clicks and advertising revenue that we continue to be a hot discussion in every corner of the media.

When you feel like you’re being attacked constantly, you either resort to the mentality of a victim or you begin to realize the importance of forming your own opinions. You could be that woman who constantly fears the future of her love life, or the woman who knows that despite any made up statistics, you can have whatever it is that you want.

I got fed up with hearing about why I would most likely not get married. I stopped buying magazines that contributed to the bulls-it, and two years later, I was married.

Is it a coincidence? Some would say so, but I know that you become what you take into your spirit.

2. You waste too much time dating the wrong people.

I should have a trophy for hanging around too long in a dead end relationship. By my mid 20s, I had become a professional. I figured the more time I put into a dysfunctional relationship, the better the chances of it somehow working.

That never really worked out though.

When a relationship isn’t working, it just isn’t working. It’s not your job to make something work with someone you’re not married to. Why do we treat boyfriends and college boos like husbands? No ring, no dedication. Never sacrifice your own sanity for someone else who hasn’t fully invested in you (marriage). Date and have options until you don’t need options.

3. You don’t like nice guys.

So are you really not going to date a guy because he’s too nice? You may think you need someone who has no problem cutting you down and keeping you in check. But if you’re over the age of 21, you should be able to check your damn self. Are we looking for fathers or husbands? How is that working out for you?

My husband is a nice guy. Turns out, they do pretty well at marriage. But that other guy, you know that could handle me and put me in my place, turns out monogamy and relationships just wasn’t his thing.

4. You’re desperate and a tad bit too lazy to date someone better because you don’t feel like walking away from something you “put so much time into.”

When we have been with someone long enough to be comfortable, we dread the moment we have to repeat the process with someone else. Dating new people can be scary. But do you know what’s even more terrifying? Being with the wrong person and missing out on the right one because of previous obligations you shouldn’t even be making. New relationships are just that, new. With time, you’ll adjust and forget about what’s his name.

We don’t need books penned by corny comedians, or statistics to tell us what we already know on the inside. Make better decisions, and never feel the need to explain yourself to someone who just isn’t…worth it.


    1. Ha! I never went anywhere my dear. I just had to get things in perspective. Thank you for your continued support.

  1. I so feel this article. It is tough out here! I just broke off an unhealthy relationship and I guess the hardest part for me to figure out is how to meet a man that I can relate to. It’s like once you get out of college, it’s harder to find a mate. The competitions is thick out here.

    1. But that’s the thing, you have no competition. The purpose of dating is finding the right person for you. It matters not what other women are doing or who they are picking . Don’t let these statistics fool you and have you thinking that men are the prize and we are in competition. As long as you have a vagina, you are the prize.

      – Amanda

  2. I just think it’s hard for women to admit that we have so much control when it comes to men and relationships. That’s just not what our current society is teaching us. They tell us our standards are too high and will keep us single. The motto is kind of like “take what you can get.” And when we do, everywhere we go someone is saying we’re not doing enough to keep men happy. I could go the store now and find 15 magazines offering 20 ways to please a man in the bedroom, but 0 on how to please a woman. I just think too many have confused independence with control, and both things are very different.

  3. I am definitely someone who struggles with nice guys. I know in theory that is what I should want, but I had a hard time dating them. I was talking to one my best friends and she made a good point on what it really takes to be a nice guy. And that’s strength. It has to be hard to be a good man when so many men elect not to be, and that helps me see nice guys a lot differently. I’m happy to say I’m not ruling them out anymore.

  4. This is great advice, but it’s hard to change dating habits. I know I stay in bad relationships too long, but that comfort you have with what you’re used to can be hard to overcome.

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