Nakeda tells Iyanla how she’s had multiple men.
The episode opens with Iyanla first meeting with Nakeda. Nakeda is a 32 year-old woman from Milwaukee, Wi. She is a mother of six children by five different men. The youngest child is 4 months.
Nakeda and her mother have been strained since 2007. She had her first child at 18 by a man who abused her. After that relationship ended, she had another baby by a second man. As a result of the situations Nakeda was in at that time, her mom began looking after Nakeda’s children.
“My mom she was just worried and stressed out, so we had a family agreement that the kids would go with her while I continued to work and go to school.” – Nakeda
This became a source of strain between Nakeda and her mother, as her mom sought legal custody of her two grandchildren. Through this, Nakeda got pregnant again in 2009.
With her third child in tow, Nakeda went to Atlanta, GA as a way to prove to her mom that she was responsible. While in Atlanta, she worked in strip clubs to make money. Things got worse when she met baby daddy number 4.
Her car broke down at a gas station in Atlanta, when he met her. He offered a ride, but later raped her.
“He took my underwear off and took it.” – Nakeda
“So you never saw him again after that?” – Iyanla
“Mnh-Mnh.” – Nakeda
When her friend passed away, on top of the raping, she sent her other children to her mother in Milwaukee. Her mom, consequently, went to the court to be granted custody of all of Nakeda’s children. Iyanla did tell her that despite her tension with her mom, it could be much worse for her children.
“Your children could be in foster care. Split up. But they’re with your mom.” – Iyanla
Nakeda says a married man wanted her to have his baby.
At this point, Iyanla feels that Nakeda may not have the capacity to live up to her responsibilities. Iyanla then gets confused when and shocked when she revealed baby father number 6. Nakeda describes him as a “shiny man” who walked past her car.
The man apparently said he told Nakeda he wanter her to have his baby. But he’s married.
“Somebody gouge my eye out with a spoon” – Iyanla
Is this man married?” Iyanla asks, only to be met with silence.
“That would be a yes or a no. If you’re grown enough to do it, claim it. Own it.” – Iyanla
Nakeda reveals childhood trauma suffered at age 12.
At this point, Iyanla begins to think Nakeda, is stuck in a pattern of dishonoring herself to satisfy the wants and needs of men.
However, Iyanla is shocked to learn that this pattern began at the age of 12, being raped. The topic came up when Nakeda revealed she was on birth control since that age.
“Why were you on birth control at 12?” – Iyanla
“Because I was sexually active.” – Nakeda
“At 12?” – Iyanla
Nakeda tells Iyanla a neighborhood boy pushed her to “become a woman” when she was 12 years old. What Nakeda didn’t realize was that this meant having sex with multiple other boys in the neighborhood, ranging from age 14 to 20.
“I was taken to a house. I was alone, and I stayed in that house all day. When I came out, it was dark outside and I could barely walk. And, like, I was bleeding so bad I couldn’t really sit down.” – Nakeda
“Do you consider this to be an initiation to womanhood, or were you gang raped?” – Iyanla
Unfortunately, Iyanla says this trauma is a source of her trauma. Iyanla tells her to find her hope, and they need to get to the bottom of this, involving her mom.
“I’m not letting you off the hook. But if have a suspicion she may have hung you out to dry.” – Iyanla
Nakeda’s mom Illysha reveals a pattern of behavior between her and Nakeda.
Next, Iyanla meets with Illysha, Nakeda’s mother, to have a conversation regarding why she decided to raise 5 of Nakeda’s children.
“To help her be a mom.” – Illysha
It’s revealed early that Nakeda is repeating processes Illysha’s been through. Illysha reveals she had Nakeda when she was just 14.
She tells Iyanla it was hard being a mother going through High School. However, Nakeda’s grandmother didn’t help raise her. During their conversation, Iyanla points how having her at 14 set everything up for how they ended up.
“Is she equipped? Did you equip her, or did you just take the responsibility because you were afraid she couldn’t do it?” – Iyanla
Next, Iyanla then expresses disapproval that Nakeda would ship off a child as young as 1-year-old, saying that she “sent them in the mail like fruit. Something’s off.“
Iyanla breaks it to Illysha that Nakeda doesn’t want those kids. So she tells her to raise the children without any effort from Nakeda.
Illysha learns of Nakeda’s trauma suffered at age 12.
Later on, Illysha says she was “bothered.” By “bothered,” she’s referring to sexual trauma experienced as a child.
Iyanla says they need to break the silence of being violated and remaining silent.
She gets Illysha to speak about a time she caught Nakeda with a boy, and a male friend performed an unwanted vaginal check, followed by beating her.
“You had no clue?” – Iyanla
“When I did [find a clue], I called the police.” – Illysha
However, Illysha she didn’t find out about her child’s rape. So, Iyanla brings her and Nakeda together so they could talk about it. During the conversation, Illysha reveals she regretted having Nakeda at 14, and being kept secret by her father.
“My dad kept me a secret until the day he died. He never told his wife about me.” – Illysha
“Your father was a married man,” Iyanla realizes, before looking directly at Nakeda, who just had a baby with a married man herself.
Illysha revealed fears her youngest grandchild could relive the shame she’s currently feeling. Iyanla points this out to Nakeda, to help her understand the magnitude of her decision.
“Your mother lived what your daughter could potentially live.” – Iyanla
Things get tense when Iyanla confronts Nakeda on how she sent her children to Milwaukee, via her brother’s childhood friend one Thanksgiving holiday.
“And what if he would have wanted to teach them how to be men along the way? The way they taught you how to be a woman?” – Iyanla
Nakeda’s then pressured to tell her mother about this experience. Iyanla expects them to talk about this to begin their process.
This news shocks Illysha as she learns why Nakdea’s behavior changed for the worse at that age.
At this point, Iyanla wants them to begin to rebuild their bond was a mother and daughter. She wants them to just have fun together, so she pays for them to have a pedicure and dinner. But before they go, Iyanla uses eggs to demonstrate Nakeda’s children. As Nakeda passes the eggs to Illysha, Illysha drops one.
“That’s what happens. One fall through the cracks.” – Iyanla
She has Illysha keep the eggs with her as they hang out.
Nakeda gets angry.
The next day, Iyanla mets with the mother and daughter with the eggs in tow. Nakeda said she felt disappointed.
But Iyanla gets Nakeda to understand that she feels she doesn’t own her body. Iyanla brings up how that vaginal check as a child affected her.
She also tells Illysha that she didn’t understand what it tool to be a woman and that led to her raping at 12.
During the conversation, Nakeda gets closed, not wanting to talk about going back to Milwaukee. Iyanla tells her that her pain is inside of her, not in Milwaukee.
Next, Illysha revealed she dropped out of High School to raise Nakeda.
Nakeda and Iyanla have a confrontation.
For their next activity, Iyanla takes Illysha and Nakeda to play a game of Ring Around the Rosie. But things get intense when the game is played between Iyanla and Nakeda. Each chair had a phrase both women felt.
When they hit Shame and Guilt, Iyanla got out of Illysha that she felt same and guilt for not having anyone around, helping her raise Nakeda. As a result of this, Iyanla says she’s taking Nakeda’s children.
Nakeda says she’s ashamed of her behavior, but Iyanla digs deeper, which aggravates Nakeda.
“You know how to have a baby, but do you know how to mother a child?” – Iyanla
When Nakeda says she can’t teach her four boys how to be a man, Iyanla aggressively asks, “Are you a woman?”
“You may have parts and pieces. But do you have a vision? Do you have a dream, do you have standards, Do you? What is the standard you have a baby by a married man, when you have five children you aren’t taking care of.” – Iyanla
Nakeda says that her youngest child’s father is a good man that’s taking care of his child, and that sets Iyanla off.
“He’s cheating on his wife!” – Iyanla
When they play the next round, Nakeda openly wears her frustration with Iyanla outward, and Iyanla notices, calling her out.
“Got a little attitude?” – Iyanla
“I’m a little warm.” – Nakeda
Iyanla wants to talk about it, but Naked continues to ignore this, which infuriates Iyanla.
“Excuse me, I’m not [you mother]. When I ask a question, I expect a response.” – Iyanla
Nakeda eventually responds that she’s angry that she’s seeing the truth.
Next, Nakeda holds up a card that says lonely. She felt lonely while pregnant, which Illysha says she got from her. Overall, Nakeda realizes at the end that what she went through as a child is affecting her as an adult.
Illysha asks how they can fix this, and Iyanla says to seek God. She teaches the women a prayer.
“God, help. Help me please? Thank you.” – Iyanla
Finally, Iyanla gives the women commitments to work on. Iyanla had the women write things they want to ask for help with.
After the show, Although Nakeda’s relationship with Illysha has improved, Illysha is still taking care of Nakeda’s five children. Naked says she is working to release the pain of the pas, in order to be present for her children.
What are your thoughts of the episode?