Urban Belle Magazine Editor-in-Chief answers your questions regarding black women and relationships.
By: Amanda Anderson-Niles
Q: I am approaching the big 30 (sigh). And although I have had much success in my career and education, I can’t say the same for my love life. I have been in several serious relationships in the last few years, and each one ended due to infidelity. I don’t believe I have done anything to warrant a man to cheat on me, but I am starting to wonder if the law of attraction applies to my failed romantic life. Is it possible that a single black woman like myself could be attracting cheaters? And if so, how can I stop?
Thanks,
Jessica D.
A. Hello Jessica. It is interesting that you ask that particular question as I have been thinking about that possibility myself as of late. I am no stranger to your feelings, as I have had to ponder the same question you’re asking me before. I do commend you for questioning a pattern in your own dating life that could possibly be leading you down the path to failure. That isn’t easy to do.
I dated for several years before I got married. Although I was close friends in college with my now husband, I dated a few guys in school. Most cheated. When a woman gets cheated on multiple times by different men, there are two mindsets she will naturally take: 1. All men are cheaters or 2. Could I be dating the wrong types of men?
The second mindset is the mature and correct way of thinking. The other leads to more problems, and ironically, more unfaithful men.
The topic of black women and relationships is a controversial one, as many feel that our futures are bleak due to false and largely exaggerated single black women statistics. 70 % of black women are NOT single and the other truth is there is a certain type of man that cheats. And many of us seem to only be attracted to that type.
It is no surprise that most Alpha males are notorious cheaters and ladies men. Women with superwoman capes happily trade them in for the “Superman,” only to find out he has many Lois Lanes to save. And he makes time to save every single one of them. So what do you do?
Simple, you stop dating the typical Alpha male who refuses to put another person’s needs before his own. I am not saying you need to date weaker men, since only a weak alpha male never masters to keep his penis in his pants. The alpha male has been wrongly perceived to be strong, when he is really one of the weakest human beings on the planet. Their own arrogance and selfishness makes it hard for them to commit.
The faithful man will be strong where it really matters, and that is in his relationships. Ego means little to him, and he will most likely not have the “swag” that you may be seeking. Physical traits range with this man, but his character traits are steady: He’s loyal, serious about his moral standing, ambitious, dedicated to family, selfless, fears God and very supportive.
He is most likely that “boring” dude you walked past in the restaurant while meeting the typical Alpha male. When it comes to black women and relationships, some of us are only single because we keep dating the wrong types of men.
My husband was simply a friend for years because I wanted to keep dating alpha males. Eventually you learn and you adjust accordingly. How can one learn to distinguish from both? Time. You must take your time in getting to know men before becoming seriously involved. And sadly, a couple of months may not be long enough to learn someone’s character.
So can you attract cheaters? Absolutely. But you can also attract loyal men once you realize what traits are the most important.
Hope this helps.
